Category: Nonsense

The unbreakable Scaramucci record has been broken

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Records are rarely unbreakable, especially the vinyl kind.

“Records are made to be broken,” they say.

It was 34 years before anyone topped Ruth’s famous “unbreakable” 60, but it fell.

It has been 75 years since Norm Van Brocklin set the NFL single-game passing record with 554 yards, but many people have come close, and it will fall some day. Probably against the Titans. (Given the unlikely assumption that the starting quarterback will ever be needed in the fourth quarter against the Titans.)

The Mooch’s “unbreakable” record, being fired by Trump in 11 days, lasted only nine years until Katie Zacharia shattered it with her 5-day tenure as press secretary. They didn’t even get a chance to mock her on SNL before her firing!

How did she get the job in the first place? My theory is that Trump wanted to hire the handicapped to atone for when he made fun of that one guy.



Either that or she was a make-a-wish kid.

Yar-r-r-r, Jim-Lad. It be talk like a pirate day

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talk like a pirate day

OK, I admit it. I don’t speak pirate myself, but I feel a real closeness to the pirate community. It all started in high school, when the vice-principal assigned me the locker next to David Jones, or “Davy,” as we called him.

I was so close to glory, yet you never hear a pirate say, “We sent ‘im to Davy Jones’s locker, which, by the way, is right next to Uncle Scoopy’s.”

I actually forgot to speak or write like a pirate last September 19. I’ve decided to spin my failure by saying that I chose to portray pirates as they really talked instead of creating some larger-than-life caricature. Just think of it in terms of Dennis Quaid playing Doc Holliday.

Long John Silver and Doc Holliday have something in common. They are roles that are more successful when overacted. Dennis Quaid portrayed Doc Holliday as a real person. Nobody wants to see that shit. That’s like portraying a medieval bridge-keeper without one decent riddle, or playing Richard III as a thoughtful man with perfect posture.

Or portraying a Yarrr-less pirate.

That reminds me of a story my sons told me. When they were kids, they watched some show about a local news announcer who had to fill in when the local kiddie-show guy got sick. He didn’t enjoy acting and he didn’t understand the characters. When he played Cap’n Jack the pirate he would just read the cue cards in his news-announcer voice. “Avast me hearties, it be time for a cartoon. Yar, kids.” (Just pronouncing “yar” to rhyme with “bar,” with no rolled “r.”) The part of the story I liked best was how he hosted the Horror Theater as Ghost Jack, reading his evil laugh off the cue cards in a flat, toneless voice as “Mewee, mewee, ma-ha-ha, kids.” I never saw that show, whatever it was, but I remember how much the kids and I loved to talk about it, and how we would make up other larger-than-life characters to be played by the substitute Something Jack: Cowboy Jack, Vampire Jack, Gabby Jack, Sonny Jack (who had a perfectly sensible appreciation of Cocoa Puffs), Jack the Tiger (“Frosted Flakes are great, I suppose. Well, let’s just say to be fair that they’re quite tasty, kids.”), Yosemite Jack, Jack Ventura (Pet Detective), etc.

Now that I think about it, I would love to see how Dennis Quaid would play Sonny the Cuckoo.

This is a day when we honor Robert Newton, essentially the inventor of pirate-speak as we now conceive of it.



Some four years after Treasure Island, Newton played Long John Silver again in the 1954 film Long John Silver, shot in Australia. The same production then made 26 half-hour episodes of The Adventures of Long John Silver, also starring Newton. Remarkably, they were filmed in color, even though few people owned color TVs at the time—and Australia itself didn’t even have television yet. If Wikipedia has the dates right, Newton was alive when the series began airing in the USA in 1955, but had passed away before it reached the UK in 1957, where he could play the part post-mortem. Death didn’t slow him in the least. Now that is commitment that even Daniel Day-Lewis could learn from.

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Other Piraty crap:

Pirate-speakin’ lesson be here, y’ scurvy dogs

The Bible for buccaneers

The pirate name generator

For more pirate names:

Names for the pirate crew:

And to translate your words to Pirate Speak

Report: Charlize Theron will be naked in Johnny Danger, Dental Hygienist

Scoop, ... 18 comments.

Which professions are most overrepresented in films? I realize that an exact count is impossible, but for example, there are hundreds of thousands of plumbers in real life, but virtually none as major characters in films. On the other hand, there are probably more “hit men” in films than in real life.

Rough rank

1 Professional hit man / assassin. There may be only a tiny number of genuine full-time contract killers, yet Hollywood seems to employ several thousand of them annually.

2 Spy / secret agent. Real intelligence agencies employ plenty of people, but very few spend their days seducing countesses, defusing bombs and chasing villains through Prague.

3 Private detective. A genuine occupation, but vastly less common than noir would suggest—and real PIs mostly do surveillance, background checks and insurance work.

So why can’t we have a big-budget film about a dental hygienist?

Of course we would have to make our hero a rare straight, male dental hygienist with muscles like that guy who plays Reacher, because … Hollywood.

Johnny Danger cleans teeth by day. But when the sun goes down, he … er … volunteers at his local food kitchen. That seems innocent and boring enough, but as Dickens would tell it, updated by Hollywood, there he meets a homeless man who happens to be the rightful Czar of all the Russias, or if not all, at least a couple of minor Russias. Maybe he’s the dispossessed heir to Upper Lesser Russia and two-thirds of Smolensk on alternate Thursdays. Johnny, being a decent but painfully ordinary dental hygienist, offers him soup. The old man peers up through his magnificent frost-covered beard and says:

“Your kindness shall not be forgotten, Mr. Danger.”

Johnny thinks nothing of it.

Three reels later, Johnny is abducted by agents of a sinister pretender to the throne, escapes using dental floss and a periodontal probe, and discovers that the soup kitchen is actually a front for a cabal of White Russian monarchists. He is recruited as a spy, pretending to visit Russia to teach modern American dental techniques, but actually there to overthrow Putin and restore the monarchy.

By the finale, his kindness to the homeless man has been rewarded. Johnny has been named Grand Archduke of Minsk and is engaged to a countess (Charlize Theron) who first appeared disguised as a laundress. And because it’s inspired by Dickens, the entire thing turns out to have been foreshadowed by a mysterious gold filling Johnny noticed in Chapter One.

JOHNNY DANGER, D.H. — He came to clean teeth. He stayed to restore an empire.

Here’s the poster:

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With a special guest appearance by Johnny’s ne’er-do-well cousin, Carlos Danger, as portrayed by Anthony Weiner.

This leaves plenty of opportunity for a love scene with Charlize Theron as the beautiful countess. Charlize loves the role, but not for the portion as the glamorous Countess Sheremetev. She sees the Oscar-bait potential in appearing earlier in heavy disguise as humble, plain Natasha the laundress. Charlize takes one look at the script and says, “The countess is fine. Natasha is the part.” So for the first hour she appears as Natasha: stooped posture, gray teeth, wart, stringy hair, cracked spectacles, heavy boots, and some elaborate prosthetic nose that requires four hours in the makeup chair. She scrubs Johnny’s bloodstained dental smock at the soup kitchen and speaks perhaps twelve lines.

But later, as Johnny bursts into the Winter Palace annex, AK-47 in hand, he finds Natasha there unexpectedly, cornered by the villains, and shouts, “Get behind me!” After he saves her, off come the spectacles. Off comes the wig. Somehow the prosthetic nose comes off as well. Beneath three layers of laundry is an evening gown worth more than Johnny’s dental practice.

“Natasha?”

“No, Mr. Danger. Countess Sheremetev.”

And that is when the love scene becomes inevitable.

Meanwhile, Theron spends the entire publicity tour talking about Natasha:

“I was fascinated by her invisibility. Here is a woman society simply refuses to see.”

Nobody ever asks her about the subsequent scene in which the Countess and Johnny Danger make love on a bearskin rug while the Kremlin explodes outside the window.

Come Oscar season, the campaign ads don’t even contain a glamour photograph of beautiful Charlize. Just Natasha, wart, bad teeth, and all.

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION — CHARLIZE THERON — BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS — JOHNNY DANGER, D.H.

The action star playing Johnny, naturally, receives no nomination, but he has the satisfaction of knowing that he saved the Romanov dynasty, defeated 63 assassins, performed an emergency root planing during a helicopter crash, and gave Natasha the courage to be beautiful again.

Irene Lay topless in Alla Festa Della Rivoluzione (2026)

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Italian historical drama. (English: At the Revolutionary celebration)

The film revisits D’Annunzio’s occupation of Fiume in 1919–1920, an extraordinary episode that mixed militant Italian nationalism with political rebellion, avant-garde art and utopian experimentation. For more than a year, the city became a strange combination of military regime and anarchic carnival, marked by Futurist theatrics, sexual freedom, gambling, piracy and war. The film emphasizes the libertarian side of Fiume, presenting it as an early example of the rebellious counterculture that would repeatedly surface throughout the twentieth century.

Irene Lay Alla Festa Della Rivoluzione 2026 1080hd 2

Video

Man, I missed this chapter in history class. Italy was goin’ full Eyes Wide Shut and instead of studying that, we were reading about the Wilmot Proviso.

Fiume had D’Annunzio, armed irregulars, political theater, utopian constitutions, Futurists, piracy, sex, drugs, nationalism, revolution, and an ending involving the Italian navy shelling a poet out of town.

Wilmot had a caveat.

That said, the world can never have enough provisos. We owe Wilmot so much. Civilization rests on provisos. Without Wilmot, every sentence would have to commit to something. He may not have stopped slavery from expanding, but he gave generations of lawyers, diplomats, and nervous dinner guests the confidence to say, “Yes—but with one important proviso.” A modest legacy, perhaps, but imagine contract law without him. Chaos.

And it really broke the ice at social gatherings. “Hey – you’re the proviso dude. Up top, bro!” He was a major celeb.

Zachary Taylor, soon to be elected President, wrote in his diary:

A hush fell over the ballroom as the guests recognized the latest arrival. Even President Polk was silent in such a presence. It was David Wilmot. The silence was broken by a single voice, shouting “Say the thing.” Wilmot demurred, but the crowd took up the chant. “Wilmot. Wilmot.” Finally, Wilmot raised his right hand, indicating he would speak. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am only here to indulge myself in the gracious hospitality of our host … (disappointed murmurs) … with one proviso (thunderous applause).”

Say, the Prez really is for the common man! Anybody have $88,600 I can borrow?

Scoop, ... 13 comments.

According to official invitation itineraries, the political fundraising packages for the midterm convention are tiered by access:

Trump Roundtable – $250,000 per person. A high-profile sit-down discussion with Donald Trump.

Trump Photo Op – $88,600 per person or couple. A standalone staged photograph or selfie opportunity.

Vance Roundtable – $75,000 per person. A discussion roundtable with Vice President JD Vance.

Vance Photo Op – $35,000 per person. A separate photograph opportunity alongside JD Vance.

$88,600 is a weirdly specific number, but it is not arbitrary. Here’s the smoking calculator: For 2025–26, federal law allows an individual to contribute $44,300 per calendar year to a national party committee’s regular account. $44,300 × 2 = $88,600, perfect for a MAGA couple.

===========================

Some others the WSJ missed:

RFK Jr. Photo Op – FREE. But he’s eating roadkill while he poses, and today’s menu is skunk.

McConnell Photo Op – FREE. But better hurry while supplies last.

Lutnick Photo Op – He will only pay you $11. Not a penny more. Not negotiable.

Stephen Miller Photo Op – Unavailable, as he does not appear in photographs or mirrors.

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Mount Fishmore – the best baseball players named after fish

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Mount Fishmore:

Mike Trout – Obviously. 91 WAR and counting. 167 OPS+. In his prime, one of the greatest hitters in history.

Dizzy Trout – Excellent pitcher from around WW2 era. 50 lifetime WAR

Catfish Hunter – Hall of Famer, 224 wins, Cy Young, perfect game, five World Series rings

Tim Salmon — 41 WAR, 299 homers, .884 OPS, 1993 Rookie of the Year.

Honorable mention:

Randy Bass — In MLB he was replacement-level chum: –1.1 WAR. In Japan he became Godzilla with gills: consecutive Triple Crowns in 1985–86, including .389 in 1986, still the Japanese single-season batting-average record.

The starting line-up:

Pitchers:

Dizzy Trout

Catfish Hunter

Mudcat Grant – Two-time All-Star, and 21–7 for the 1965 pennant-winning Twins.

Steve Trout — Dizzy’s son: 88–92, 13.3 WAR. His nickname was actually Rainbow.

Batters:

CF – Mike Trout

RF – Tim Salmon

LF – Kevin Bass — Excellent journeyman outfielder: 14.8 WAR, 1,308 hits, 118 HR, 151 steals. Switch hitter.

DH – A.J. Pollock — All-Star, Gold Glove center fielder and 2020 World Series champion; a very solid all-around player with 145 homers and 122 steals. 22.1 WAR.

3B – Lip Pike — One of baseball’s first genuine power stars, tying for the HR lead in 1871 and leading outright in 1872 and 1873; he also once famously beat a racehorse in a sprint.

SS – There is no great fish shortstop, so we have to reach way down to the bottom of our imaginary tank and scoop up Oyster Burns – 25.8 WAR, .300/.368/.445, 135 OPS+, and he led the NL in both homers and RBI in 1890.

2B – Bobby Sturgeon — Slick-fielding Cubs shortstop/second baseman whose career was interrupted by three years in the Navy during WWII; he hit a career-best .296 upon returning in 1946.

1B – Sid Bream — Dependable 11-year first baseman with a 108 OPS+, best remembered for his improbable dash home to win Game 7 of the 1992 NLCS for Atlanta.

C – Hank Conger — Switch-hitting former first-round catcher who played seven seasons with the Angels, Astros and Rays

Bench:

Shad Barry — Turn-of-the-century utility man, 1,073 hits and 3.7 WAR.

Mike Carp — Six MLB seasons, 27 HR, 108 OPS+, 1.9 WAR. Not a star, but we’re getting into the shallow end of the pond.

Chico Salmon – Long enough career but only 1.0 WAR.

Norm Bass – Replacement level. Pitched only parts of three seasons.

Lake America is “official.” Why not Lake Trump?

Scoop, ... 55 comments.

The President declared it Lake America today with an executive order

More things that need renaming from their association with the Evil Canadian Empire, first pass:

Canada Goose – Freedom Fowl

Canada Dry – 51st State Soda

Canadian bacon – Hoser Ham

Canadian Club – Annexation Whiskey

Canadian Rockies – Red White and Blue Mountains

Canadian football – Minor League Football

Maple Syrup – Liberty Sap

Canada jay – Patriot Pigeon

Canada thistle – Border Weed

Maple Leaves – Treason Blooms

Royal Canadian Mounties – the Scarlet Stasi

Hockey – ice soccer

The Gordie Howe Bridge – The 51st State Causeway, carrying Steve Bannon Boulevard, leading to The Department of Peaceful Annexation Welcome Pavilion on the American side.

The Rainbow Bridge – The Make Niagara Straight Again Bridge.

And Canada has totally fucked up the Thousand Islands, because there are actually far more.

They call it the Thousand Islands. Very inaccurate. Very sad. I looked at it and I said, ‘There are more islands.’ Nobody knew this. The experts said, ‘Sir, how could there be more?’ But I found 864 additional islands. Beautiful islands. Some of the finest islands anywhere. Canada had ignored them for years. Maybe they were hiding them from us. We don’t know.

===

So today we are naming it the Trump Archipelago. People are already saying it’s one of the great discoveries in history. Columbus found the Americas. Magellan went around the world. But neither of them found 864 islands. I did.

—————-

As for Oceans:

Our top map guy came up to me. Big guy. Strong guy. Tears in his eyes because I lost the Nobel Peace Prize. He said, “Sir, do you know the word Pacific comes from peace? It should be called the Trump Peace Prize Ocean.”

I said, “That’s very interesting.” Nobody knew this. Nobody knew Pacific meant peace until I told them. And now people are saying, “Why should an ocean get the Peace Prize when Trump ended eight wars?” Very unfair.

So we’re looking at it. The Trump Peace Prize Ocean. Beautiful name. Much better than Pacific. Magellan named it Pacific, and frankly, Magellan didn’t even make it home. I did.

——————

Trump’s de-Ontario declaration purports to change a name that dates back to a time long before America and Canada were nations. It was first called Ontario by Europeans in the mid 17th century, but some Native Americans had previously called it that, possibly for centuries. Wikipedia says it was originally a Wendat (Huron) word.

Personally, I can now say I grew up on the shore of Lake America.

I won’t, but I can.

I know the answer to my question in the headline. He’s obviously saving his own name for Lake Superior. Ontario is small potatoes. Since I grew up in sight of Ontario, I am disappointed that he didn’t name it Lake Scoopy to honor his old Fordham schoolmate. After all, Superior is not grand enough for the Prez, but I’ll be perfectly happy with one of the smaller lakes.

Not Erie, though.

Although it makes sense for Erie to be called Lake Other Crap.

If I were Trump, I would be selling the renaming rights for the lakes, as they do with baseball stadiums. It’s a perfectly Trumpian scam. How did he not think of it? Companies would vie for the right. Of course we wouldn’t allow a great lake to become Lake Tim Hortons or Lake Canadian Tire, but there are plenty of American companies that would bid. I think Lake Kum & Go has a nice ring to it. How about Lake Master Bait and Tackle?

In the case of Kum & Go, Trump could sell the naming rights to a brand that is disappearing and then claim he personally saved Kum & Go. “They were going out of business. Terrible situation until I gave them a lake. Nobody had ever thought of giving a gas station a Great Lake.”

The complete naming-rights program could be:

Lake Superior – Lake Trump, but he’d make Bezos pay for it.

Lake Michigan – Lake Buc-ee’s. Enormous, American, and increasingly difficult to avoid.

Lake Huron – Lake Master Bait & Tackle. The aquatic connection makes this practically responsible governance.

Lake Erie – Lake Kum & Go. “Erie” was depressing anyway.

Lake Ontario – Lake America, presented by MyPillow. The government keeps the patriotic naming rights but monetizes the title sponsorship.

And that’s merely the lakes. Once the Treasury discovers this revenue source, every geographic feature becomes inventory. Niagara Falls, brought to you by Liquid-Plumr. The ExxonMobil River, formerly the Mississippi. Old Faithful, powered by Taco Bell.

The real Trumpian masterstroke would be an auction televised from Mar-a-Lago. Companies bid for ten-year naming rights, but Trump retains unilateral authority to reject the winning bidder for insufficient patriotism — or to accept a lower bid from someone who happens to be staying or golfing at one of his resorts.

We made $8 billion naming lakes. Biden made nothing naming lakes. Zero. Not one dollar. Nobody even knew lakes could make money until Trump came along.

OK, Trump may have a point

Scoop, ... 12 comments.

It’s not a point worth making, but there is a resemblance.

1Screenshot-1

From the comments:

— Of course one of the guys (Steven Cheung) insulting him looks like Oddjob from 007

— Nah. Oddjob was much better looking, and nowhere near as scary. For reference, here’s Cheung in the Oddjob hat.

3

==========================

– I’m thinking it’s just COINCIDENCE that Ms. Harp looks very similar to his daughter Ivanka.
**wink, wink, nudge, nudge**


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Happy Dalton Day!

Scoop, ... 14 comments.

It’s a day when I celebrate all things Road House, the greatest bad movie of all time.

Bart Simpson once said of Krusty, “He’s my idol. I’ve based my whole life on Krusty’s teachings.” Dalton, the head bouncer at the Road House known as the Double Deuce, is my Krusty.

I celebrate this solemn occasion on Patrick Swayze’s birthday because it was Swayze who brought Dalton to life. The odd part of it is that I’ve never been a huge fan of Patrick Swayze. He’s not even my favorite Swayze, although nobody but me remembers John Cameron Swayze and the Camel News Caravan.

But every dog has his day, and Road House was Patrick’s.

So join me today in drinking a toast to Dalton and the Double Deuce. My drink? Dalton’s drink, of course: Mountain Dew and Dewar’s. The Double Dews.

If you’re not familiar with the real Road House, as opposed to the dumb-ass remake with Jake Gyllenhaal, here’s my summary:

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Roadhouse is a cinema classic and one of the most entertaining movies ever made. It is the White Trash Hamlet; the Redneck Romeo and Juliet; Macbeth with a Mullet; Timon of Athens, Georgia. If I have to go through the process to name my favorite movie, this certainly makes the short list. I would certainly rank it among my top 10 comedies. I doubt whether making a great comedy was the original intention, but as gamblers say, “The cards speak for themselves”.

What’s it all about?

A powerful landowner with a savage taste for hunting gets all his kicks from his domination of a small town and all its inhabitants. Ben Gazzara plays this part, and don’t miss the scene where Gazzara sings. I think I can go out on a limb and say it’s the best evil land baron singing in film history. (You want more musical moments? Sam Elliott also sings in this movie.)

Ben also ranks high in evil rockin’ on his rockin’ chair, just creakin’ away in that evil way while he watches his neighbors at night. Now JFK, when he rocked, that was some good rockin’, some downright saintly rockin’. An’ when Grandpappy Amos rocked while lecturin’ L’il Luke, that thar’ was jes’ rockin’. But when Ben does it – sheer evil. Of course, Ben justifies his evil behavior because there was nothing in the town until he came. He civilized it. His proof: “I brought the 7-Eleven here”. Yup, that’s the sure sign of Civilization with a capital “C”, as documented by Sir Kenneth Clark. You can keep your sophisticated economies, your fey literature and fashions, your individual freedoms, and your lame statues and fountains. It’s not even codified laws. Suck it, Hammurabi! Real civilizations have Slurpees.

Ben comes complete with all the movie evil accoutrements, like an evil paneled den full of animal heads – including herbivorous ruminants! Just thinking – how hard could it be to kill a lumbering herbivore? Even I can be called a big-game hunter in that league. In my own evil paneled den, I have the heads of dairy cows. Now that’s good huntin’! I also enjoy hunting for koalas. They sometimes go for hours without muscle movement, so I don’t have to waste any bullets on the little guys. In fact, you don’t even have to kill ’em and stuff ’em. Just give them a little standing room behind the plaque, hook up a eucalyptus I.V., stick their heads through the opening – bingo – nobody will ever suspect they are still alive.

With the townspeople all terrified that any challenge to Gazzara will cause them to grace the wall in the evil paneled den, it’s clear that somebody from the outside has to challenge Big Ben. The owner of the local bar just happens to know one guy who is tough enough – Dalton, the world’s greatest bouncer. The bouncer is played by Patrick Swayze, who was then one of the hottest properties in filmdom after his success two years earlier in “Dirty Dancing.”

Dalton is not a typical bouncer. He has a degree in Philosophy from NYU. His immersion in the highlights of human thought has given him the insight necessary to utter such lines as “Pain don’t hurt.” There will be a test on this later. My buds and I swaggered around for years, whenever we would see each other, and intoned “pain don’t hurt.” Some interesting questions for the philosophers amongst you: If pain don’t hurt, what does? And why do they call it pain? I’ll leave the answers up to you, because these “trees falling in an empty forest” questions always hurt my head. Although, interestingly enough, when my head hurts there can be no pain, because….

(Your answer here).

I told you there would be a test.

Dalton wears expensive Armani clothing and drives a Mercedes. Being an itinerant and lonely bouncer cleaning up run-down Midwestern dives isn’t that glamorous, but the pay must be sweet. No wonder he gave up his philosophy professorship.

To demonstrate his complete mastery of the nuances of ancient thought, at one point Dalton relieves a guy of his knife with a … um … a proven philosophical technique: the respected and time-honored kick in the nuts. I believe it was Confucius who once wrote that while the pen might be mightier than the sword, he would prefer to address his enemies not with witty epigrams from his quill, but with a swift kick in the privates from his pointed shoes.

My translation from Mandarin may be a bit inexact.

Another great feature of the movie: Dalton carries his complete medical records with him at all times. That assures proper treatment when he goes to the emergency room, which he does regularly, possibly to get wounds treated, or sometimes just to pick up chicks.

Did I mention that there is no law enforcement of any kind in this town? A sheriff shows up in the last minute to ask “What’s goin’ on?”, and everyone says they “di’n’t see nuthin'”.

Ah, the back-up cast! Just thinking of it makes me smile. Make room for wrestler Terry Funk and Kevin Tighe. Tighe plays a guy named Tilghman, presumably so he won’t have to learn any new consonants.

Not many movies are so bad they are good. Most bad movies are bad because they are boring. But this one is not boring at all. Never. In fact, Road House is one of the most entertaining movies I’ve ever seen. It is absolutely worth watching, and has a great rock ‘n roll score, some of which is not sung by Ben Gazzara or Sam Elliott. The soundtrack even includes the “Identical Cousins” song from the Patty Duke Show!

I strongly suggest that you watch it under the influence of mood-altering substances and in the company of like-minded goofballs. But bottom line – ya gotta see it.