Category: Heckuva job, Trumpy

According to official invitation itineraries, the political fundraising packages for the midterm convention are tiered by access:

Trump Roundtable – $250,000 per person. A high-profile sit-down discussion with Donald Trump.

Trump Photo Op – $88,600 per person or couple. A standalone staged photograph or selfie opportunity.

Vance Roundtable – $75,000 per person. A discussion roundtable with Vice President JD Vance.

Vance Photo Op – $35,000 per person. A separate photograph opportunity alongside JD Vance.

$88,600 is a weirdly specific number, but it is not arbitrary. Here’s the smoking calculator: For 2025–26, federal law allows an individual to contribute $44,300 per calendar year to a national party committee’s regular account. $44,300 × 2 = $88,600, perfect for a MAGA couple.

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Some others the WSJ missed:

RFK Jr. Photo Op – FREE. But he’s eating roadkill while he poses, and today’s menu is skunk.

McConnell Photo Op – FREE. But better hurry while supplies last.

Lutnick Photo Op – He will only pay you $11. Not a penny more. Not negotiable.

Stephen Miller Photo Op – Unavailable, as he does not appear in photographs or mirrors.

The President declared it Lake America today with an executive order

More things that need renaming from their association with the Evil Canadian Empire, first pass:

Canada Goose – Freedom Fowl

Canada Dry – 51st State Soda

Canadian bacon – Hoser Ham

Canadian Club – Annexation Whiskey

Canadian Rockies – Red White and Blue Mountains

Canadian football – Minor League Football

Maple Syrup – Liberty Sap

Canada jay – Patriot Pigeon

Canada thistle – Border Weed

Maple Leaves – Treason Blooms

Royal Canadian Mounties – the Scarlet Stasi

Hockey – ice soccer

The Gordie Howe Bridge – The 51st State Causeway, carrying Steve Bannon Boulevard, leading to The Department of Peaceful Annexation Welcome Pavilion on the American side.

The Rainbow Bridge – The Make Niagara Straight Again Bridge.

And Canada has totally fucked up the Thousand Islands, because there are actually far more.

They call it the Thousand Islands. Very inaccurate. Very sad. I looked at it and I said, ‘There are more islands.’ Nobody knew this. The experts said, ‘Sir, how could there be more?’ But I found 864 additional islands. Beautiful islands. Some of the finest islands anywhere. Canada had ignored them for years. Maybe they were hiding them from us. We don’t know.

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So today we are naming it the Trump Archipelago. People are already saying it’s one of the great discoveries in history. Columbus found the Americas. Magellan went around the world. But neither of them found 864 islands. I did.

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As for Oceans:

Our top map guy came up to me. Big guy. Strong guy. Tears in his eyes because I lost the Nobel Peace Prize. He said, “Sir, do you know the word Pacific comes from peace? It should be called the Trump Peace Prize Ocean.”

I said, “That’s very interesting.” Nobody knew this. Nobody knew Pacific meant peace until I told them. And now people are saying, “Why should an ocean get the Peace Prize when Trump ended eight wars?” Very unfair.

So we’re looking at it. The Trump Peace Prize Ocean. Beautiful name. Much better than Pacific. Magellan named it Pacific, and frankly, Magellan didn’t even make it home. I did.

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Trump’s de-Ontario declaration purports to change a name that dates back to a time long before America and Canada were nations. It was first called Ontario by Europeans in the mid 17th century, but some Native Americans had previously called it that, possibly for centuries. Wikipedia says it was originally a Wendat (Huron) word.

Personally, I can now say I grew up on the shore of Lake America.

I won’t, but I can.

I know the answer to my question in the headline. He’s obviously saving his own name for Lake Superior. Ontario is small potatoes. Since I grew up in sight of Ontario, I am disappointed that he didn’t name it Lake Scoopy to honor his old Fordham schoolmate. After all, Superior is not grand enough for the Prez, but I’ll be perfectly happy with one of the smaller lakes.

Not Erie, though.

Although it makes sense for Erie to be called Lake Other Crap.

If I were Trump, I would be selling the renaming rights for the lakes, as they do with baseball stadiums. It’s a perfectly Trumpian scam. How did he not think of it? Companies would vie for the right. Of course we wouldn’t allow a great lake to become Lake Tim Hortons or Lake Canadian Tire, but there are plenty of American companies that would bid. I think Lake Kum & Go has a nice ring to it. How about Lake Master Bait and Tackle?

In the case of Kum & Go, Trump could sell the naming rights to a brand that is disappearing and then claim he personally saved Kum & Go. “They were going out of business. Terrible situation until I gave them a lake. Nobody had ever thought of giving a gas station a Great Lake.”

The complete naming-rights program could be:

Lake Superior – Lake Trump, but he’d make Bezos pay for it.

Lake Michigan – Lake Buc-ee’s. Enormous, American, and increasingly difficult to avoid.

Lake Huron – Lake Master Bait & Tackle. The aquatic connection makes this practically responsible governance.

Lake Erie – Lake Kum & Go. “Erie” was depressing anyway.

Lake Ontario – Lake America, presented by MyPillow. The government keeps the patriotic naming rights but monetizes the title sponsorship.

And that’s merely the lakes. Once the Treasury discovers this revenue source, every geographic feature becomes inventory. Niagara Falls, brought to you by Liquid-Plumr. The ExxonMobil River, formerly the Mississippi. Old Faithful, powered by Taco Bell.

The real Trumpian masterstroke would be an auction televised from Mar-a-Lago. Companies bid for ten-year naming rights, but Trump retains unilateral authority to reject the winning bidder for insufficient patriotism — or to accept a lower bid from someone who happens to be staying or golfing at one of his resorts.

We made $8 billion naming lakes. Biden made nothing naming lakes. Zero. Not one dollar. Nobody even knew lakes could make money until Trump came along.

They only have two days to comply, or face a strongly-worded Truth giving them fourteen days.

And then – the comfy chair!

Finally, if they still will not open the Strait of Hormuz, he will have Elon replace all of their broadcasting and internet with “Jay Leno’s Garage.”

Lay down your weapons now or I will have no choice but to ask you to lay down your weapons later. You may think I’m bluffing, but believe me when I say you will feel the full weight of my social media posts.

Last Week Tonight has created stickers that you can paste over your national park pass, either to cover Trump’s head, or to cover the entire picture.

For the record, the official picture seems to be George Washington fucking Donald Trump from behind.

This is not AI or some satirical mash-up.

I don’t often agree with him, but when he’s right, he’s right.

You know what? Another of my illusions has been shattered. I’m starting to feel that the prestigious FIFA Peace Prize might not be legit.

To tell the truth, I find it hard to follow this new war. Under normal circumstances, whenever there is a difference between Trump’s story and somebody else’s, you can just assume that the other side’s story is the correct one. That works nearly 100% of the time. But this war is different. The leaders of Iran lie and boast just as much as Trump, so how do you read it? If they agree, for example, does that mean they are both lying, and therefore the Ayatollah is still alive? Or should we assume that they are both telling the truth? But by the rules of logic, if all sides are telling the truth, and Trump is speaking for one of the sides, therefore Trump is telling the truth. But Trump never tells the truth.

See what I mean? It’s the Mudd’s Robots Dilemma!

Where is Captain Kirk to sort this out?

When Bush the Younger was mad at France for whatever reason, we were supposed to call our favorite fast food side dish “Freedom Fries.” Now we seem to be headed to war with Denmark. So what should we call Danish pastries? Patriot Pastries?

Also, do we have to burn our Hans Christian Andersen books? And what will the tariff be on LEGOs, cans of butter cookies, and foul-tasting licorice? It’s gotta be, what, a million percent?

Whatever the reason, after we conquer them, I don’t think they’ll be putting blackberries and truffles on their hot dogs any more. It’s time they used mustard, as Jesus taught.

You know what I just realized? Denmark is one of the few countries in the world that still has a king, which means that after we kidnap their royal family and send them to Guantanamo, Trump can declare himself “acting king of Denmark.” I can see him making that permanent!

And then there’s Greenland, which must be conquered because it is harboring weapons of mass destruction. Well, one weapon. A club. But it’s a big club. And technically it is capable of mass destruction, as it can kill more than one seal.