Category: Nonsense

Criminal mastermind o’ the day

Scoop, ... no comments.

A Florida man was caught on video purchasing a face mask from a gas station before walking across the street to burglarize a bank.

So many great things about this story.

  • Gas stations sell face masks? Maybe in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Is this a Florida thing, or was it a medical mask like the ones we wore in the pandemic?
  • The bank was closed. What did the guy expect to get in a closed bank? Even the pens are chained up.
  • Why was the door unlocked in the closed bank?
  • Why did the guy abort his plan almost immediately, even though the police didn’t show up for an hour?
  • How did the police identify him if they missed him by an hour. Did he leave a business card?
  • The accompanying story is about a Florida McDonald’s worker who shot at a customer for complaining about his order.

German town votes to exterminate pigeons

Scoop, ... 4 comments.

“The falconer will lure the birds into a trap, hit them over the head with a wooden stick to stun them, and then break their necks.”

Needless to say, animal rights activists were appalled by this plan.

They didn’t ask me, but if they did, I’d say that Germany has to play by different rules, and that all German political entities should probably tread lightly when it comes to the inhumane exterminations of complete populations, even if they are pigeons.

And under no circumstances should they call it the final solution.

——————-

All dark humor aside, I found this interesting:

Critics say that as well as being cruel, pigeon culls aren’t really effective since any remaining birds will reproduce and replenish the population. Remarkably, some studies show that pigeon numbers can even increase following a cull. This was the case in Basel, Switzerland, which had a pigeon population of around 20,000. From 1961 to 1985, the city killed around 100,000 pigeons each year, but the population remained stable.

Apparently that same strategy wouldn’t produce the same result with fish. The biologists keep telling us that we’re destroying fish populations by over-fishing. So my conclusion is that we need to like the taste of pigeons, because unlike fish, they seem to be a self-renewing source of food.

Every Stefon appearance ever

Scoop, ... 2 comments.

A repeat, but one that really cracks me up.

Bill Hader‘s now-iconic New York City correspondent may be gone from the NBC sketch comedy series, but over the course of 10 years he solidified his legacy as one of the best SNL characters ever. And the long-running series is celebrating the legend by releasing every single appearance of Stefon on SNL ever, for the first time. Say it with us: Yes yes yes yes yes yes.

The Stefon mad-lib – write your own

Stefon: If you want to treat your (relative or holiday celebrant), New York’s hottest club is (onomatopoeic word), the inspiration of (underground artist of some kind with a mildly offensive pun name that sounds gay or trans). Located in (unlikely location that sounds vaguely New Yorky), this club has everything: (three silly objects that have no place in a club), a (silly thing or animal) that looks like (obscure celebrity), and a human (noun).

Seth: What’s a human (noun)

Stefon: It’s that thing where (number) midgets ___________. (Breaks up) And, look, over there in the corner – is that (major celebrity). No! It’s (something absurdly unrelated to that celebrity)

Let’s give it a try …

If you want to treat your Valentine to a special night, New York’s hottest club is Quack!, the creation of former beat poet, Tranny Aiello. Located in the two bathtubs from an old Cialis commercial, under an abandoned “el” trestle on the upper south side, this club has everything: pool noodles, smoke signals, slide whistles, five tree stumps that look like Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs, and a human carousel

What’s a human carousel?

It’s that thing where eight midgets in horse costumes run around in a circle. (Cracks up) And look over there in the corner! Is that Will Smith? No. It’s a half-eaten breakfast burrito.

“Models strut down the runway in nothing but duct tape at Miami Swim Week”

Scoop, ... 2 comments.

The Black Tape Project was founded by Joel Álvarez — also known as Drakhan Blackhart — who describes himself as “the world’s only body tape expert.”

I view this as a real opportunity. I have decided to enter the fast-paced world of body tape expertise, and I can’t believe how fast I have risen in this field. Because I beat the rest of you to the punch, I am, at least for this moment, the second-best body tape expert in the world! My parents would be proud. There are some eight billion people in the world, and only one guy ahead of me.

I see from #1’s name that if I want to succeed in this field, I need to have a cool name like a Game of Thrones character. Good-bye Uncle Scoopy, hello Jerys Strongarm. (Unlike the Lannisters, the Strongarms never pay their debts, and they frequently take your lunch money.)