Remembering … when Trump held his press conferences on the Titanic, post-iceberg

First conference in the Titanic’s first-class dining saloon:

– “We did collide with an iceberg, but we won the iceberg. By a lot.”

– “We’re not sinking. Fake news. We’re simply lowering the ocean-facing portion of the vessel.”

– “Now look at my plans to upgrade this room to a dedicated ballroom. People have been trying to get an onboard ballroom since the inception of navigation. The Phoenicians wanted one, but they couldn’t get it done. The Greeks couldn’t get it done. The Romans tried, but they spent all their money on aqueducts. Very overrated, aqueducts. They move water around. Big deal. We have plenty of water. Look around you. Water everywhere. Columbus wanted a ballroom. A beautiful ballroom. But he only had three little ships. Very small ships. Not enough room. That’s why he came to America, actually. Looking for a bigger ballroom. A lot of historians won’t tell you that. And now we’re going to have the greatest ballroom in maritime history. Ninety thousand square feet. Solid gold chandeliers. The finest marble. Unsinkable marble. And we’re going to use the money saved by eliminating these totally unnecessary lifeboats. Nobody ever uses them.”

Second conference, after he becomes aware of the danger:

– “We need to find out who put that iceberg there. I’m hearing very troubling things about Teddy Roosevelt.”

– “Crooked Taft had four years to remove that iceberg. Four years. Did nothing. People are saying it’s because he couldn’t get out of his bathtub.”

– “I’m ordering one hundred percent tariffs on all icebergs coming near our ships.”

– “We’re going to build a big, beautiful sea wall and Greenland is going to pay.”

– “I know more about lifeboats than probably anybody. For a modest contribution, you can have a beautiful golden lifeboat. Only the best lifeboats. People are saying they’ve never seen lifeboats like these.”

– “Scott Bessent tells me our liquidity is at an all-time high. Nobody has ever seen liquidity like this. Tremendous liquidity.”

Final conference:

– Reporter: “Mr. President, Scott Bessent has just abandoned ship.” Trump: “Fake news. Scott is simply moving our assets offshore. Very sophisticated financial strategy. It’s called diversification.”

– “This ship is unsinkable. We’re just temporarily underwater.”

– “Women and children first? Very unfair. Very discriminatory.”

– “Nobody has ever gone down with a ship better than me. But we’re looking very strongly at some alternatives. Tremendous alternatives.”

– “Stop playing that depressing song about being near to God. Let’s hear ‘Alexander’s Ragtime Band.'” (Starts doing the double jerk-off dance.)