Happy Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day (oh, and Easter)

This is the rare occasion when one of the most sacred holidays of Christianity occurs on the same day as one of the most sacred holidays of Scoopianity. It is Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day in the Year of Our Shatner 95. Once again the world celebrates the event that has been described as “Mardi Gras with dongs.”

I hope that your family enjoys the traditional bird with all the trimmings. We always put a rooster into the oven at our house, but there’s never enough meat to go around because my brother-in-law always eats too much cock.

I also hope that you did your shopping early this year. I waited until the last minute, and the clerk at Walmart told me that they had no Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day gifts. I guess they must have sold like wildfire this year.

When you get right down to it, that’s not really important. Sure, kids of all ages enjoy the food and the presents, but amid all the merriment, we should never forget the true meaning of Giant Pink Japanese Day. As one commenter noted a few years back:

“Maybe Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day doesn’t come from a store.
Maybe Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day means a little bit more.”

Hemingway once wrote, “If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.” The same is true of Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day, for no matter where we roam, there is always a giant pink Japanese penis inside all of us.

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Warnings:

(1) Do not be fooled by imitations. Some other countries have gotten penis envy and have instituted Giant Penis Days of their own. Beware. These are rip-offs, although some have memorable celebrations, like Giant Brown Swiss Penis Day, where a different giant chocolate penis comes out of a cuckoo clock every hour. As for Giant Green Irish Penis Day, the celebrations may seem riotous, but it’s still not the real thing.

(2) Do NOT try to smuggle giant pink penises into Japan from other countries. In addition to the fact that you would face the dire legal penalties for giant penis smuggling (imagine Midnight Express, except with giant penises), there are simply good reasons why you should not do so.

• First of all, they would not be sacred. The official giant pink Japanese penises are the only ones that have been blessed. Bringing in a counterfeit would be like trying to pass off a bottle of Ozarka from 7-Eleven as Holy Water in the Vatican.

• Second, the Most Honorable Japanese Department of Agriculture and Giant Genitalia is concerned that introducing a new strain of giant pink penises into their eco-system could cause the native strain to mutate or die out. It’s the same reason why you can’t take frogs to Australia.

The main thing to remember is that there is simply no need for you to take such a risk. There are plenty of giant pink Japanese penises to go around, and that means a fun day for one and all.

On the Scoopy Calendar, this is the second most important holiday of the year, after William Shatner’s Birthday

These are our holidays:

January 6: Mr. Bean Day (Rowan Atkinson’s birthday)

February 24: Unsuccessful Voyage Day (Billy Zane’s birthday)

March 22: Shatmas (William Shatner’s birthday) *

First Sunday in April: Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day
April 18: Eric Roberts’ birthday.

May 1: Cousin Greg Day (Nicholas Braun’s birthday)

June 21: Count Floyd Day (Joe Flaherty’s birthday)

July 8: Hey Now Day (Jeffrey Tambor’s birthday)

August 18: Dalton Day (Patrick Swayze’s birthday)

Note: Dalton Eve (August 17th) occurs on Spicoli Day (Sean Penn’s birthday)

September 19: Talk Like a Pirate Day

October 24: Salieri Day (F. Murray Abraham’s birthday)

November 27: Booger Day (Curtis Armstrong’s birthday)

December 23: Festivus

* Shatmas is also my New Year’s Day. I am now living in the year 95.