Category: Let’s go, Brandon

Biden Gets Confused, Flubs Exit Speech

Scoop, ... 9 comments.

In what was widely regarded as a misfire by the 81-year-old as he formally bowed out of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden repeatedly flubbed his exit speech today, saying he would “rule the country with an iron fist for one thousand years.” “Tonight, I, Joseph R. Biden, vow to take back my rightful throne atop the nation and continue my violent reign of terror until the end of time,” said a visibly shaky Biden, who, despite his best efforts to string together a coherent resignation, let out bloodcurdling screams, held up a human skull, and threatened to swiftly vanquish any American foolish enough to oppose him.

At press time, worried-looking aides were shuffling Biden off-camera and telling the press corps that his repeated order to ‘Bow down to the Almighty Biden or be doomed to perish’ was the result of his struggle with a lifelong stutter.

Related headline:

Kamala Harris Turns Down Democratic Nomination To Work On Alaskan Fishing Vessel

It’s a nice offer, but I already lined up this whole seasonal fishing gig out of Anchorage that sounds pretty sweet. Sorry, but a promise is a promise, and I’m not budging. I can’t let Captain Nick or the Kingfisher crew down.

The latest shift in the Presidential odds …

Scoop, ... 21 comments.

Biden’s chance of winning the election is now down to 12%, according to Polymarket. He is now in third place! That exchange indicates that Kamala Harris is now more likely to win the 2024 election than Biden, although they are both long shots. Trump’s current “stock” price is based on a 64% chance of winning.

I didn’t think Biden would drop further when his “shares” were at twenty cents (20% chance) the last time I looked. This latest shift doesn’t mean that Trump’s chance of election has improved. The reason for Biden’s decline is not an increased likelihood for Trump, but speculation about Biden being replaced on the ticket. In the evening of the 29th, Biden was at 22%, Harris at 2%. Now it is 12% and 14%, respectively. Trump has held steady at 64%, with the remainder of the pie being split among RFK2 and minor Democratic hopefuls.

In related news, Trump just referred to Biden as “an old broken-down pile of crap.” I’m beginning to suspect that this Trump fellow may not be a very nice man.

@skynews Donald Trump has called Joe Biden an 'old, broken down pile of crap' and suggested the president is about to 'quit the race', as he criticised his TV debate performance in a leaked video. #trump #biden #uspolitics ♬ original sound – Sky News


Some of the funniest lines about the debate

Scoop, ... 48 comments.

(Various sources)

Biden shit the bed so bad that the Secret Service changed his code name to “Amber Heard.”

His brain was so vacant that Red Lobster tried to sell its contents.

Joe Biden loves trains, but apparently not the kind “of thought.”

Biden needs to be replaced by somebody sharper. Jimmy Carter is still eligible.

He screwed the pooch so hard they had to check him for distemper.

Joe blew it so badly they called in Pam Anderson as his new debate coach.

His expression was so vacant that the homeless tried to move in.

Joe Biden’s mind is like a browser: 19 tabs are open, 3 of them are frozen, and he has no idea where the music is coming from

I’ve seen better answers in beauty pageants.

Old men yell at each other

Scoop, ... 51 comments.

I can’t remember which comic made this observation, but it struck me as incisive:

Imagine somebody from outside of America looking at this presidential race, “You people have 330 million people to choose from, right? And from that vast selection, these two are your best choices to be your leader? How bad are the rest of you?”

Some of Jost’s best Jests

Scoop, ... 7 comments.

Colin Jost had a different gig this Saturday Night. He did the comedy monologue at the Nerd Prom (2024 White House Correspondent’s Dinner). I thought his punch lines were only so-so, but that’s a tough crowd and he punched at both sides, delivering a few hard body shots at everyone, even Sleepy Joe. He likes Biden, but he gave him hell on some sensitive matters:

“I have to admit, it’s not easy following President Biden. I mean, it’s not always easy following what he’s saying.”

“My Weekend Update co-anchor Michael Che was going to join me here tonight, but in solidarity with President Biden, I decided to lose all my Black support.”

“I’m not saying both candidates are old, but you know Jimmy Carter is out there thinking, ‘I could maybe win this thing.’”

He had a few other solid zingers:

“We’re all here tonight at nerd prom. Well, not ALL. Matt Gaetz is at regular prom.”

“Can we just acknowledge how refreshing it is to see a president of the United States at an event that doesn’t begin with a bailiff saying ‘all rise’?”

“President Biden, isn’t it crazy that he’s only our second Catholic president? And what’s even crazier is that in just a few short months, we’ll have our third in RFK Jr. I’m kidding. Like his vaccine card says, he doesn’t have a shot.”

“I would really like to take a moment to recognize all the print journalists in this room. Your words speak truth to power. Your words bring light to the darkness. And most importantly, your words train the AI programs that will soon replace you.”

Joe Biden can communicate with the dead

Scoop, ... 18 comments.

The Sleepy One claimed to have a chat with French president Francois Mitterand in 2021 – a pretty nifty trick since Mitterand died 25 years earlier!

It also seems that there is no French citizenship in the afterlife. Biden first referred to him as “Mitterand from Germany”!

Wait, now I get it. I saw The Sixth Sense. Biden has been dead the whole time.

This places him in a new light. While he looks pretty burnt-out for a living human, he looks above average for a corpse.

Joe Biden remembers more war stories

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“Biden got the time period, the location, the heroic act, the type of medal, the military branch and the rank of the recipient wrong, as well as his own role in the ceremony.” 

The Washington Post, August 29, 2019

“I swear as a Biden, I was standing on the battlefield at Camlann Plain, when Mordred began clearing the foliage with napalm and strafing King Arthur’s forces with tactical nukes. Brian Williams was there; he’ll back me up. After the battle, I pinned a medal on Arthur’s top knight, Sergeant York, when he begged me to stop and give the medal instead to Bob Hope for all he did for the troops.”