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Bela Tarr, Titan of Slow-Moving Cinema, Dies at 70

Bela Tarr died yesterday. I don’t think there are too many Tarr connoiseurs here, because to be a Tarr fan, one needs above-average dedication to the art of film, so I’ll just mention that apparently his nude scenes were as black and white and grim as his movies:

Vali Kerekes nude in Damnation

Unless you are a history buff, you probably don’t realize that 1242 was arguably the most important year in European history. Several Mongol armies were sweeping almost unchecked through Central Europe and Russia. Cities like Kyiv, Buda and Pest had been conquered and looted. Historians estimate that up to half of Hungary’s two million population at that time were killed during the Mongol invasion of Europe.

And then, the invaders disappeared, as swiftly as their mighty cavalries had arrived. The Russian chronicler wrote of the northern Mongol army:

They turned back from the river Dnieper, and we know not whence they came and whither they went. ¹

The Mongol armies just left.

The standard explanation is that they received news that The Great Khan had died, requiring all the princes to go to a sort of tribal council, where they would choose a new Even Greater Khan from among their ranks. Because you know what they say: you can’t be too rich, or too beautiful, or have too great a Khan. I myself was stripped of my Khanship for being a Merely Competent Khan. They will simply not accept mediocrity in the Khan community, just as the Martinizing community will not accept a 63-minute man.

Other historians have cast doubt on that “vote for the new Khan” explanation.

Rashid Al-Din, a historian of the Mongol Ilkhanate, explicitly states in the Ilkhanate’s official histories that the Mongols were not even aware of Ögedei’s death when they began their withdrawal.

In addition to the actual accounts from the Mongol chroniclers, modern historians have argued that the timelines don’t work. They argue that it would not have been possible for the news of the Khan’s death to have reached the armies by the time the withdrawal started.

This film poses an alternate explanation for why they left.

When the Great Mongolian army is about to invade Europe in 1242 it doesn’t expect that a Hungarian castle and its Priest, Eusebius will stop it. After the Hungarian army was annihilated by the Mongols at the battle of Mohi, only the castle of Esztergom stood in the Mongolians’ way of invading the rest of Europe. Batu Khan, the grandson of Genghis Khan, reaches the walls of Esztergom with his invincible troops. The castle’s defenders, led by Eusebius, the canon of Esztergom, and a Spanish mercenary, Captain Simon, are preparing for the final battle. The sudden arrival of Cardinal Cesareani, the Papal Legate, coinciding with the Mongol Lunar New Year celebrations and the mystical practices of Eusebius, combine to offer the defenders a small glimmer of hope.

Apparently the mighty Horde just had a little pow-wow with Eric Roberts, and he offered them the sex chair that he kept from the set of Star 80. They liked his ideas, accepted the chair, and subscribed to his newsletter. Then Eusebius did some religious mumbo-jumbo, and the would-be conquerors left peacefully. As one reviewer wrote:

The Glorious Hungarian Man single-handedly sent Batu Khan home from the fields of Esztergom with a portion of fried scones and a fatherly kiss.

I just fast-forwarded through the film. I guess you already figured that out. Life is not only too short to dance with ugly women, but it is also too short to see Eric Roberts play an ancient Hungarian, but I’m going to force you to see it anyway.

I do know that Eric didn’t play Eusebius, so he wasn’t the man who stopped the Mongol Horde. I doubt that he had enough time to stop an invading army, as he had eleven other films to shoot that month, in locations from Perth to Svalbard.

This film has had a troubled history. IMDb has it labeled 2025, which would be a pretty neat trick, given that one of the leading players, Ray Stevenson, died in early 2023. Incidentally, Stevenson’s part was originally to be played by Kevin Spacey, but I think we all know what happened there.

Anyway, here’s Genevieve Chenneour to cleanse the palate:

Videos

Footnote 1: I know that sounds like a pretentious translation, but it’s just literal. While English has all but discarded whence (from where) and whither (to where), and when used, whence is usually used wrong (people say “from whence,” which is redundant), Russian retains three different words for “where,” and two of them translate exactly as whence (otkuda) and whither (kuda).

Italian horror/drama, marketed in English as The Holy Boy. (Literal translation: “The Valley of Smiles”)

In Italy’s happiest village, a haunted teacher discovers dark secret behind weekly gatherings where locals seek healing from a teenage boy’s embrace. His quest to save the youth reveals the sinister nature of a community hiding behind joy.

Wait! Who knew that Ocasio-Cortez had a side hustle?

Video

This is a Russian fantasy series, AKA Proekt Anna Nikolaevna (Проект «Анна Николаевна»). There has been a five-year gap between seasons two and three.

Russian scientists create a female police android captain Anna Nikolayevna Korolkevich and sent her to serve in a provincial town. Anna Nikolayevna is perfect in every way and nothing portends trouble until her humanization goes too far.

These two women are naked quite often in this season, but are always photographed from behind. (You can see the brunette’s nipple in two scenes.) I recognize Zoya Berber, but I don’t know the other actress. Zorg ID’d her as Marusya Klimova, and that seems correct.

Marusya Klimova – ANNdroid s03e05 (2026)

The pics are not impressive, but the video is worth a look.

Full gallery

As the good lord intended.