Such a shame to lose by a day. With a speedier trial, he could have been #1, but he created so many distractions that they had to keep restraining him, ala Hannibal Lecter.
Today’s verdict shows that the rule of law applies to everyone, even a former president of the United States who bursts into a diner, waves around a Glock, and demands all the money in the register plus an All-Star Special with a side of biscuits. No one, not even a Nobel Peace Prize laureate, can — for no apparent reason — pistol-whip a patron sitting at a restaurant’s counter and then pour a carafe of piping hot coffee onto his face. Not without facing consequences. Today’s verdict shows that Mr. Carter was not above the law when the police tracked him down in a roadside motel surrounded by empty bottles of Jim Beam and a thousand dollars’ worth of meth and he looked up at his arresting officer and said, ‘The fuck took you so long?’
At press time, Carter’s attorneys had appealed the verdict, saying:
His status as a former president gave him complete immunity to do donuts in a Waffle House parking lot while kissing his 17-year-old girlfriend, firing a gun into the air, and shouting, “Wooooooooo! Fuck yeah!”
First time in a long time I was sure it was an Onion article. I’d almost forgotten The Onion existed as real headlines have become such a parody.