God gave her permission to steal from Walmart

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1. As a law student I worked in a clinic assisting inmates at the same federal prison camp where Martha Stewart would later vacation. One of the inmates came to see me about whether her bipolar diagnosis could lead to a sentence reduction. She had been a bank VP that embezzled closed to $500,00 from depositor accounts. A prison doctor who had diagnosed her as being bipolar told her that she may have embezzled the money as a form of self medication because of the excitement of planning and executing the crime. As there was a section in the Federal Sentencing Guidelines that would allow for that, I agreed to draft her a motion seeking a sentence reduction, but I warned her there was only a slight chance the judge would grant the motion.

   What does that story have to do with God giving a woman permission to steal from Walmart? Well, the second time I met with the woman she told me how she had found God while in prison and that not only did she speak to God, but God spoke to her. She explained that God told her that after she was released, she would start a business investing money for church’s and other ministries. She acknowledged that as a convicted embezzler, it would be difficult, at first, to get those church’s to trust her, but that her returns would be so phenomenal that more and more will invest with her. Why would the returns be so phenomenal? Because God would be telling her where to invest, of course.

   A few weeks after her motion was filed, she came to see me to tell me she was getting 6 months off her sentence. I told her that was wonderful and that I was surprised because I thought there was very little chance the judge would grant the motion. Before I dislocated my arm patting myself on the back for being such a brilliant lawyer, she said, “Yeah, God told me.” As my joy and excitement plummeted, I told her that I couldn’t speak to what God told her, but my legal opinion was that there was only a small chance the judge would grant her motion. I bet you can guess how this story ended. The next morning, I went to the clinic and found an order from the judge in her case on my desk. The order dismissed the motion. As I saw it, there were only two possible explanations for the judge denying the motion despite God telling her he would grant it. Either God forgot to tell the judge or the judge was an atheist and refused to listen.

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   1. I just had another thought. I wonder if God will show up at that woman’s trial the way George Burns did at the end of Oh God! I’ve identified as agnostic for the past 40 years, but I may want to attend the woman’s trial to possibly get proof that God exists. Unfortunately, I am not sure that permission from God is actually a defense to theft. Since Walmart owned the merchandise she stole, only Walmart could give her permission. Then again, as creator of the universe, perhaps God would have the legal authority to give people permission to commit crimes. I think that’s an open question. But that idea may be an interesting twist to the Purge films. It’s time for the Holy Purge!

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