I’ve decided to spin my failure by saying that I chose to write yesterday’s page as a realistic portrayal of what pirates really talked like, instead of creating a larger-than-life character. Just think of it in terms of Dennis Quaid playing Doc Holliday.
Long John Silver and Doc Holliday have something in common – roles that are more successful when overacted. Dennis Quaid portrayed Doc Holliday as a real person. Nobody wants to see that shit. That’s like portraying a medieval bridge-keeper without one decent riddle, or playing Richard III as a thoughtful man with perfect posture.
Or portraying a Yarrr-less pirate.
That reminds me of a story my sons told me. When they were kids, they watched some show about a local news announcer who had to fill in when the local kiddie-show guy got sick. He didn’t enjoy acting and he didn’t understand the characters. When he played Cap’n Jack the pirate he would just read the cue cards in his news-announcer voice. “Avast me hearties, it be time for a cartoon. Yar, kids.” (Just pronouncing “yar” to rhyme with “bar,” with no rolled “r.”) The part of the story I liked best was how he hosted the Horror Theater as Ghost Jack, reading his evil laugh off the cue cards in a flat, toneless voice as “Mewy, mewy, ma ha-ha, kids.” I never saw that show, whatever it was, but I remember how much the kids and I loved to talk about it and would make up other larger-then-life characters to be played by the substitute Something Jack: Cowboy Jack, Vampire Jack, Gabby Jack, Sonny Jack (who had a sensible appreciation of Cocoa Puffs), Jack the Tiger (“Frosted Flakes are great, I suppose. Well, let’s just say to be fair that they’re quite tasty, kids.”), Yosemite Jack, Jack Ventura (Pet Detective), etc.
Now that I think about it, I would love to see how Dennis Quaid would play Sonny the Cuckoo.
No disrespect meant to Dennis Quaid. He was very entertaining as Gordo and Remy McSwain, and in many other productions.