Congratulations to the Erie SeaWolves, you’re about to be called something else. We are going to research your area and come up with a new name, mascot and theme night for you that nobody else in the league has and that can only come from Erie. As per our original offer, you will get no input into this. … You will take what we have and you will like it. All you have to do is sign your contract. I promise this is going to be great.
Erie has a high crime rate, a high poverty rate, a dying inner city, a shrinking population, and dismal weather. I’ve been there and have driven through there many times, and the most positive thing I have to say is that it is not the worst place in America with a two-syllable name, courtesy of Gary, Indiana.
I Googled “famous people from Erie, Pa,” and the top answer was Alaska Thunderfuck. You think I’m joking, but that is the god’s honest truth:
As much as I would love to hear the phrase “Go, Thunderfucks” echo through the stadium, there’s not much you can do with any of the above info:
- The Erie Overcast? (Free Vitamin D night!)
- The Erie Stag Nation? (Go, Harts! Ladies’ day would be Hind Day)
- The Erie Glow? (Have you seen the rust belt at sunset?)
It will not be easy to create something affirmative. On the brighter side:
1) How about the Rust Belt Rustlers, who steal bases instead of cattle? The Rustler himself could be a cute mascot, and could spin off shirts and toys
2) Erie is sometimes called the Gem City for inexplicable reasons, so they could call them the Gem City ________. The Gem City Diamonds has a built-in baseball theme, and would actually work as a permanent name
3) I like the Erie Coincidence, and it has great potential for theme nights, but I can’t seem to come up with an idea for a mascot.
Those are OK suggestions, but they are too serious. I think Oliver is planning something far more outlandish. The funniest gem name that I know of is fukalite, but I don’t think that the Gem City Fukalites will fly, as much as I would like it to.
Go, Fukalites! Here is your mascot, “COCK IN LIGHT SOCKET MAN.” (Because everything is on the internet somewhere. Just Google “fucking a light.”)
Erie Sounds? That could go with a water theme. Also would give the organ player license to cut loose.
Erie Canals? Your mascot could still be cock in light socket man. Not cos the two go together, just CILSM is a great mascot. I’m surprised Cleveland didn’t snap him up for the Guardians.
I believe he is already the mascot for the San Diego Chargers and the Tampa Bay Lightning.
When I googled it, Billy Blanks was the top name, and I needed to click more to get to Alaska Thunderfuck. I didn’t see the John Oliver episode, but if he is promising to rebrand a team from Erie, I wouldn’t be surprised if he would choose to base it on Billy Blanks and/or TaeBo.
Alaska Thunderfuck is a HILARIOUS drag performer. The Eerie Thunderfucks would be a team we, as a people, could all get behind. More importantly, though, would be a potential theme night: Baked Alaska Night.
Float her out to nearby-Michigan, have her get high as fuck, then drag her back to Eerie to call the game while she is utterly stoned out of her skull.
If you’ve never been around a stoned drag queen watching TV, I can assure you it is as delightful and crass as you’d hope it would be.