Uncle Scoopy's world-weary musings about naked celebrities, sports, humor and other important, manly things.
(Updated with videos)
1978 – Convoy
1983 – The Osterman Weekend (video)
She was popular in the late 70s and early 80s, but hasn’t been seen on screen in about 30 years.
She is still alive, living in Tucson, as far as I know, although her Facebook page has not been updated since 2020. She published a Christian children’s book that same year.
Brought up from the comment section. It’s her only nude scene, and you’d never really know it unless you dedicate your life to the cause.
Here’s what you see in real time.
But if you really clean it up, you can see that there is a nipple in there, or at least part of one.
Highly theatrical Russian art film.
Time to judge humanity. “And who is the judge?” a picky viewer will ask. Yes, and who will obey judges who have emerged from different eras and civilizations, accusing the entire human race. Everything is mixed up in this phantasmagoria – and the cellars of the Inquisition, where Jesus Christ met Leo Tolstoy, and representatives of the intergalactic community considering the Earthlings’ claim to accept them into their brotherhood, and today, hardly distinguishable from the barbarism of bygone eras…
These have been colorized.
The entire three-hour B&W film is online here.
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From the comments:
Here she is in a Music video Ellen Slusarchi – It’s August
Another video: Ellen Slusarchi – Inakomyslie (2013)
Set in Greece, the show tells the story of a woman who goes on holiday with her family and friends to rediscover joy in her life. But once in paradise, what starts with an illicit kiss quickly turns the dream holiday into a nightmare.
It’s a BBC series filmed in Malta, which apparently plays the part of Greece.
Johnny Moronic’s film clips are here
She’s played college volleyball in the USA. Stranger still, she played for Coppin State, one of the HBCU group. A blonde Swiss chick must have been quite conspicuous on campus.
A guy is watching this through a VR headset, so it may have only a peripheral relationship to reality.
But either way, here it is:
Have you ever wondered whatever happened to Uwe Boll, the eccentric German director who made a splash in the early 2000s, when many considered him the worst director that ever lived? He disappeared from the scene for a few years and had no IMDb credits from 2017-2021, but he’s back, and he directed this film. He also wrote and produced.
Have you ever wondered whatever happened to Armie Hammer, the tall, handsome actor whose career got derailed when people found out about some of his dark personal peccadillos? His weird fetishes could have been overlooked, but he was also accused of a brutal rape. The LAPD had to drop the criminal case because there was no evidence, but the mainstream industry was not as forgiving as the legal system. He became a pariah, was banished from major projects, and has to get work where he can find it. He’s the star of this film, as the vigilante
Have you ever wondered whatever happened to Costas Mandylor, who seemed to be in every movie in the 1990s that came from the hyphen universe? (Made-for-cable and straight-to-video.) He now has a scaled-down version of an Eric Roberts career, flying around the world for whatever work may be available to a 60-year-old man who used to be a grade-B character actor in his 30s. In other words, he gets the roles that are turned down by Eric Roberts, but only if Michael Pare also refuses them. He’s the second lead in this film, as the cop who has sworn to bring the vigilante to justice, and fails mightily in that endeavor.
As for Alona Hertha, she’s a petite woman who resembles Rosie Perez, and was a fairly popular nude model. (A Google search finds plenty of frontals from German Playboy and other sources.) As you know, 40 is 80 in nude model years, so she has seen the handwriting on the wall as she approaches her 40th birthday, and therefore hopes to expand her options by acting. She is still very trim, and there is still some demand for women who will do movie nude scenes. She plays a hooker in this film, in a sex scene that goes on for five minutes and has nothing to do with the rest of the film. (And the entire movie is only 89 minutes long, including the opening and closing credits. Hey, Uwe isn’t such a bad director. At least he knows what’s important!)
As for the movie – it’s a Charles Bronson movie re-imagined as a high-level right-wing fantasy. A very rich man decides that he is going to bring justice to everyone in an unnamed European country (filmed in Croatia) who has been harmed by Europe’s wishy-washy liberal immigration policies. He sets about building himself a private arsenal and fortress-like bunkers, whereupon he takes to the street to kill various Africans and Middle Easterners who have gotten away with violent crimes. While he’s at it, he also starts killing the judges who set these criminals free, and the people who show sympathy for the criminals on social media.
When an army of SWAT policemen come for him, he kills all of them as well. He’s filthy rich, remember. He kills the first two waves of policemen by machine-gunning them from his impregnable bunker. He then escapes through a secret tunnel, and blows up the remaining policemen when they try to follow him. He also comes to a “happy” ending. As the film ends, he has never been caught, and makes a speech about how immigrants have destroyed Europe, how he hopes to continue his work, and how he hopes to motivate “the people” to join in his murderous mission. The blackout is followed by word slides detailing the number of rapes and murders committed by immigrants in Europe. Suffice it to say, if Stephen Miller knew about this film, he would watch it every night, masturbating furiously!
SIDEBAR: Uwe is a provocateur, and his films usually have some touches of dark, transgressive humor, but the only indication that anyone involved with the film has a sense of humor is that one of the judges killed by the vigilante is a 70ish man called Judge Reinhold!
I was reminded today of how popular the article was when I first posted this Canadian actress in The Faculty. I guess it was because she in the pilot film for that Teenage Witch thingy.
I guess it wasn’t widely known at the time that she had already appeared topless at age 18 in an obscure Canadian film called Best Wishes Mason Chadwick (1995). Not merely obscure, but VERY obscure. To this day, it only has 32 votes on IMDb, and I don’t think it has appeared in any format since VHS.
Her next nude appearance was in an incredibly silly 1997 sci-film called Habitat (0% Tomatometer, 32% Popcorn Meter), which is almost as obscure as Mason Chadwick. At least that one came out on DVD, so we have Tuna caps.
I personally consider Habitat a masterpiece nearly on the level of Road House. As you may know, I love bad movies and this one is truly bad. Not brain-dead bad like Last Days of Disco or 200 Cigarettes, but fun bad, so bad you can’t believe they were serious, like Plan 9 From Outer Space.
I loved every minute of this thing, and I couldn’t take my eyes off it. The acting can’t be believed, the art direction and f/x are atrocious, the plot makes no sense, every character is a cliche, there is no continuity, they made up their own science when they needed it for the plot, the music sucks, and the dialogue is about as bad as any movie ever written. Even the credits are bad, because they are bright green against a bright orange desert landscape.
In other words, this movie is great!
It’s the future, after the ecological disaster, and people can’t go out into the sun.
Balthazar Getty is the star, the guy you would hire if you wanted Charlie Sheen in the 90s, but couldn’t afford him.
He plays a kid who is having some trouble fitting into his new community. He has some problems at home with his parents, too. His mom is a hippie space cadet with a Ph.D. in microbiology, and his father is a house. I’m not making this up. His dad is a genius scientist who has determined a way to accelerate evolution a billion years, and now exists as disembodied atoms. He has become one with nature, and has joined with the atoms in the house to create a living habitat for his family, safe from the ecological disaster outside. You think the kids made fun of you because your dad had an accent? Imagine what they’d say if your dad was a suburban 3/2 without one single good walk-in closet.
Ol’ Balty is a mutant, which seems like it should be expected from the offspring of an eternally stoned woman and a split level ranch house. Because of his unique genes, he alone among all the people of earth can go outside in the sunlight. Perhaps he inherited his dad’s aluminum siding.
He’s also a potato. We know this because Laura Harris says to him, “Remember when our science teacher told us that the Irish potato famine could have been avoided if there was just one external strain of potato that could have been introduced to strengthen the native crop. Well, the human race is the same way, and you’re that potato, aren’t you?”
Back to Balty’s troubles in the community. The local phys ed teacher is a bully and a fundamentalist Christian fanatic who finds it difficult to relate to a kid whose mom is a half-naked stoned hippie and whose dad has shingles and a porch. So he and the local youth bullies, unaware of Balty’s mutant powers, tie him out in the sun to die. When Balty simply returns with a nice tan, the phys ed teacher then assumes he is some kind of satanic avatar.
Oh, yeah, the girlfriend of the head local bully falls in love with Balty and, by the way, the phys ed teacher is her dad. Small world.
Finally Balty defeats the bullies, aided by his once-pacifist friend who bops the head bully with a log. Balty’s dad defeats and kills a bunch of people who are trying to destroy him, including the coach. Dad then figures out a way to give the magical sun-immune powers to the girlfriend and she decides that she and Balty will “wander the earth” together. She doesn’t seem too upset about her own dad’s death. Then Balty’s dad figures out a way to turn Balty’s mom into pure energy, and together they float off into the ionosphere. Balty and his girl look up to the heavens and wave, and the girlfriend says “bye”. This really cracked me up more than anything else in the movie. “Bye, disembodied atoms, I’m really gonna miss you, even though we’ve never actually met, and you don’t actually have any ears to hear me or eyes to see my wave.”
Great, great movie. I don’t know if any of you like to toke it up once in a while, and I certainly would not advise you to engage in any illegal activities. But if you do like the occasional doob, I strongly suggest you rent this before firing up your next one. You can’t go wrong, except you might die from giggling.
1998 brought The Faculty, a so-so horror film that had many familiar faces in the cast (even Jon Stewart!), and took in a respectable $40 million at the box office.
The Faculty is basically the 11 millionth iteration of The Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and the first one with a completely happy ending. You know the movie. You all could write the dialogue.
“Come with me. Join us. In a world of perfect peace. No unhappiness. No rejection. No foul-smelling cat litter … ”
“No, no. I like the human way. I believe in the inalienable rights of man. I want to smell the rain and feel refreshed by Dr Pepper. I want to feel the excitement of wondering who killed J.R. I want to visit Six Flags again.”
These aliens are always so dumb. I mean they land in some upper-middle class community in Northern California, where everyone is materially comfortable, and striving for self-actualization. The only people they manage to get on their team are the loser guys who look like Evil Ed, guys who hope to get back for years of brutalization by the football team. One of those guys doesn’t exactly make a good poster boy for the program. It’s not like the cheerleaders are going to sign up for the Alien Mind Control once they hear Evil Ed is in.
Hey, you Aliens, take a tip from your ol’ Uncle Scoopy. Go to places where life is hell. Go to Ngorno-Karabac, go to South Chicago, go to South Sudan. You won’t need to force people or trick people to join you there. They will go willingly into your mind control program because anything is better than what they have now.
Laura was naked in this one, at least in theory, but the scene was so dark that you will get eye-strain trying to see a nipple.
That was basically the end of her nudity at age 21, with one minor exception. Seven years later she offered a fleeting glimpse of her butt as she put on her clothing in a film called A Friend of the Family, another Canadian effort that virtually nobody has seen. She was “topless” as well, but her nipples were covered with flowers, and those daisies had a magic property that kept them over her nipples no matter the position or movement of her body.
She’s 49 now, and still working. IMDb says she is in a 2026 film from Canada, Remarkably Bright Creatures.
Kate (Cindy Crawford) is going through a nasty divorce. When her ex-husband won’t pay alimony, she starts to look for his hidden assets. She investigates a ship registered under his name in Florida, only to discover that the freighter is the secret headquarters of Dr. Evil, a former KGB spy who now runs a global money laundering scheme.
Man, I hate it when that happens.
Once Kate stumbles on this secret, she needs police protection. She and her police angel grow close as they try to evade the baddies.
Not a good film.
13% Tomato Meter
14% Popcorn meter
As for Cindy Crawford, I think she did better than the reviewers gave her credit for. Although it is a common belief that supermodels are doomed to fail as actresses, the facts don’t always support that position. Models run through the same full gamut of performance as anyone else.
* Jessica Lange, after a rocky start, worked hard to become one of the finest actresses in modern film.
* Paulina Porizkova and Milla Jovovich haven’t achieved critical esteem at the Lange level, but have projected colorful personalities and have had their good moments.
* Others like Tyra Banks have managed to avoid complete embarrassment, but without any great successes.
* Wandering to the other end of the scale, Kathy Ireland has probably shown less acting ability than anyone in the history of acting.
Cindy got some bad notices for her performance here, earning adjectives like “awkward,” but I’d say she was about in the middle of the supermodel scale. She wasn’t at the level of mature Lange, but she was no worse than Lange was in King Kong. She showed less originality and flair for characterization than Porizkova and Jovovich, but she was light years beyond the Ireland level. I think James Berardinelli was quite accurate in his assessment that Cindy would have been a perfect mate for ex-hubby Richard Gere, if the only applicable criteria were looks and basic acting ability. She is a female Gere – very attractive, can deliver lines without stumbling over them, but almost completely devoid of personality on camera.
Simona Monyová was one of the most successful and bestselling Czech authors in recent years. From very humble beginnings, she rose to literary fame with 29 romantic novels. Her witty and engaging style disguised a life marred by increasing domestic violence behind closed doors, culminating in her murder. This six-part Czech series covers the years 1997 to 2011, detailing her career milestones and the increasingly toxic and violent relationship that led to her death.
