Nina Siemaszko and others naked in Wild Orchid 2 (1991)

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Softcore erotica from Zalman King.

Donald Trump is famous for asking “Where is my Roy Cohn?” My equivalent question is, “Where is my Zalman King?” Zalman died 14 years ago, and nobody has picked up his torch, the famous Torch of Eternal Horniness, as immortalized by the classical bards.

The Z-man tended to annoy me when he was alive, but I sure miss him now.

In 1958 California, a teenage girl goes to work as a prostitute in a high-class brothel after the death of her father.

All clips, caps and collages from Johnny Moronic:

Nina Siemaszko

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Lydie Denier

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Julie Wakefield and somebody else

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Gloria Reuben

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Johnny Moronic’s film clips are here. They include many other unidentified women, some of whom did quite explicit nudity.

11 Weird Old-Timey Sports Teams

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Most of the list is new to me, but every baseball fan knows about the 1899 Cleveland Spiders. Among teams that played a full season, they were the worst major league team in history, with 20 wins and 134 losses.

Just before the turn of the century, the National League monopoly was plagued by interlocking ownership, with some owners holding stock in several teams, and some owning majority control of two different clubs. By owning two teams, they would take all the best players to the “A” club to create a super team, leaving the “B” club to die a natural death.

  • Ferdinand Abell and Harry Vonderhorst drained the once-great Baltimore Orioles to stock their Brooklyn Superbas. It was a short-term strategy that created an all-star team of established superstars. It worked for two years. The Superbas, a pathetic 54-91 in 1898, managed to win pennants in 1899 and 1900 by poaching many top-line players from the Orioles, including four players from their starting line-up and the three 20-game winners on their pitching staff.
  • Barney Dreyfuss drained the Louisville Colonels to stock the Pittsburgh Pirates, allowing the Pirates to pick up the greatest player of the era (Honus Wagner) in the process. That one paid off in spades. As soon as the Superbas squad headed for the old-age home, the Pirates became the best team in the league. They won in 1901, 1902 and 1903, and remained contenders or winners until Wagner turned 40. Wagner led the league in WAR an amazing 12 times, and his 1908 season was considered the all-time best for a position player in the era from 1893 to 1919, meaning from the beginning of the modern pitching distance until the beginning of the “lively ball era.” In 1920, when they started using fresh balls instead of keeping the same one in play for the whole game, some big kid named George Ruth took advantage of the new procedure to eclipse Wagner. (But it’s noteworthy that Wagner’s 1908 season, as measured by WAR, was better than Ty Cobb’s best years!)
  • Owner Frank Robison drained the Cleveland Spiders to stock the pathetic St. Louis team that he had bought out of bankruptcy. He didn’t have as much talent to work with as Abell and Dreyfuss, so he succeeded only in creating the worst team of all time in Cleveland, while the St Louis team was never much better than mediocre under his ownership. He did manage to improve the St Louis team significantly, but they were atrocious to start. They were 29-102 and 39-111 in the two seasons before Robison poached the best of the Spiders, and they jumped to 84-67 after the merger. Their winning percentage went from .260 to .556 in one year. That was impressive at face value, but the Spiders went down more than the Perfectos went up! In 1900, the Spiders were dismantled, and the Perfectos were renamed the St. Louis Cardinals, a name that has stuck with the franchise to this day. They were never much good under the Robison family, but they eventually became the best team in the league, and their reign endured for two decades, right up to the last pre-integration year (1926 to 1946). The Cardinals remained a strong club after integration began in 1947, but they were slow to integrate, failing to field a black player until 1954, and lacking any top black players until 1958-1959. Branch Rickey, the man whose innovative farm system had made the Cardinals a powerhouse, had moved from the Cardinals to the Dodgers, and he grasped the importance of integration. By the time the Cardinals decided to place a tentative toe into the pool of black talent, the Dodgers had already scooped up Jackie Robinson, Joe Black, Jim Gilliam, Don Newcombe, Sandy Amoros and Roy Campanella. Thus was the torch passed from Rickey’s old team to Rickey’s new team.

Lauren McQueen had a sex scene in episode 6 of Robin Hood

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but …

The good news is that Marian is no longer a maid.

The bad news is that you can’t see anything. The scene has been choreographed and edited so that her nipples are never visible. Here is the entire scene, if you want to try your luck at it.

I think the following was the best frame, and is it not good at all.


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All of the previous nudity from this series.

There has been one great nude scene: Olivia Winter in episode 3.

Wendy O Williams: explicit nudity in Candy Goes to Hollywood (1979)

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Porn comedy.

Bubble-brained Candy Christian travels to Hollywood to make it big and instead gets taken under the wing of a sleazy ‘talent agent’ bent on exploiting her for his own personal gain.

I have sort of a connection here, albeit an indirect one.

Wendy and I were born in the same hospital, just three months apart. She grew up about two miles from me, although those two miles were all water, a large bay that split our neighborhoods into completely separate communities that never mixed. Mine (Irondequoit) was suburban, barely escaping urban. Hers (Webster) was rural, trying to be suburban.

Many people from her town commuted to my high school, so many that there were school buses specifically dedicated to that route. At one of my reunions, I asked the Webster guys whether anyone knew her. None had attended her elementary school, and none had ever even run into her, but they mentioned that the driver of their school bus, Bob Williams, was her dad!

After childhood, our lives were very different. By the time we were 16, she was hitchhiking around the world and I was probably still trying to organize my baseball cards. By the time we reached our late 20s, she was working in porno and sex shows, including Candy Goes to Hollywood, and I was a working stiff, a suburban dad, and still kind of a naif. The baseball cards were gone, but I was still in possession of my comic book collection. By 1998, as we were about to turn 50, I had already retired, and was enjoying my new life as Uncle Scoopy. She was putting a bullet through her brain.

There were probably times when I envied her adventurous life and her eventual international fame as lead singer of the Plasmatics, but in retrospect, my incredibly boring path through corporate America was a much better choice.


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Film clips. For some reason, this crappy movie is available on Blu-Ray! Wendy appeared, using her real name (!!), as a contestant on “The Dong Show,” where she got donged by a fake Jaye P. Morgan. The X-rated “Chuck Bareass” did a fairly good impersonation of the real thing.

Some seven years later, Wendy appeared topless in Reform School Girls. Those must have been seven tough years. She was lookin’ pretty rough at 37.


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When Kylie Minogue bared her butt in a fake commercial

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This is actually a skit. British artist Katerina Jebb made this film of Kylie Minogue for her imaginary TV channel Lucid TV Paris. It is part of the exhibition titled” Simulacrum & Hyperbole.” The series was presented at Trading Museum , Comme des Garcons Paris .

The premise here is that Kylie insured her famous booty for some astronomical amount, and the insurance company then asked if our own “assets” were covered. This was about 2012, give or take.