Friday, July 03, 2009
British newspaper headline o' the day: Exclusive: "Michael Jackson tried to adopt ‘Octomum’s’ Nadya Suleman’s eight babies as playmates for son Blanket just weeks before he died."
Deeply depressed by the death of Jeff Goldblum, Sarah Palin announced today that she would would resign as governor effective July 25 and would not seek reelection.
Goldblum died in New Zealand, which Palin can see from her back porch.
Jeff Goldblum still stubbornly clinging to life
Johnny Depp, dressed as Jack Sparrow, Surprises Sick Children At London Hospital
Since I write about celebs a lot, I don't get to write very many complimentary articles, since most celebs are either half-wits or self-centered douchebags or both.However, Johnny Depp is not only a dedicated actor and a huge star, but is also a decent human being who does things like this all the time, and spends a ridiculous amount of time signing autographs and mingling with fans. And he doesn't issue a freakin' press release when he does it. Since there's nothing to ridicule in that sort of behavior, I'd normally only make a note of this kind of person when they die, ala Natasha Richardson, but Depp will undoubtedly outlive me, so I'm making an exception.
Now that I've embarrassed myself like a 9th grade emo, let's get back to ridiculing Lindsay Lohan and Hugh Grant.
The Good and the Bad of Being a Hooters Girl
This is a surprisingly serious article. The writing style is amusing, but it is actually a logical analysis of the pros and cons.
"Midget wrestlers dead after hooker romp"
(With a great picture of a fan placing a mask on the tiny little coffin.)OK, it's not really "tiny." I made that part up. The rest is true.
Britain's queen orders a count of the swans
"A census of the swan population on the River Thames, will be conducted by the queen's official Swan Marker from July 20-24. (With the assistance of the Queen's Swan Warden.)""This year, the Swan Marker and the Swan Warden are particularly keen to discover how much damage is being caused to swans and cygnets by attacks from dogs and from discarded fishing tackle."
In a related tradition, they do the same thing with cats in October, as led by the queen's royal and ancient Pussy Warden, who is, if I recall correctly, Hugh Grant."
Sex Tape Taints 5th Grade Memories
"Crystal Defanti, a 5th grade teacher at Isabelle Jackson Elementary School in Pleasant Grove, California sent her students off for the summer with a special DVD that she had created for them. The disk contained scenes that she filmed throughout the year that were meant to highlight their accomplishments and serve as a momento. Things turned decidedly ugly when she discovered that at the end of the little project piece was six minutes of footage of a very personal nature. It seems that she had used the disk previously to film a little sexual dalliance in the privacy of her own home. She is shown having sex on a couch. She apparently didn’t realize that it was there until after she dispersed the DVD to all of her 10-year-old students, who had taken it home to share with their family members"
"10 Incredibly Awesome Spring Break Bikini Contest Videos"
"I Had No Idea There were This Many Awesome Karate Kid Mashups"
7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert | Cracked.com
"The 15 Most Massively Expensive Yet Awful Movies Ever"
Gravity-Defying Homes From Around the World
45 Historical Soviet-Era Photographs from the Glorious Worker's Paradise
15 Amazing Yearbook Photos of U.S. Politicians
You'll never recognize John McCain and Darth Cheney!
"Michael Jackson had a long-standing secret girlfriend"
And it wasn't Liza Minnelli?
Derrek Lee knocks in seven in Cubs victory
"50 movies for 50 States"
With some states, the correct choice is obvious. Kansas = The Wizard of Oz. Idaho = Napoleon Dynamite. Oklahoma = Oklahoma. Indiana = Hoosiers.In other cases, there are so many choices, it's impossible to choose one. (Texas, Florida, California, New York)
I'd quibble with a few.
- Bull Durham was about a baseball team headquartered in North Carolina, and most of it was really filmed there, but it really could be set anywhere without changing the story. On the other hand, Nell is practically a love poem to North Carolina.
- Fried Green Tomatoes for Alabama? BZZZZZZ. Wrong answer. Four words: To Kill a Mockingbird.
Oddly enough, the authors could not think of any film appropriate for Wisconsin or Rhode Island. Any ideas?
One reader offered this list of substitutions:
- Arkansas = Sling Blade
- California = E.T.
- Florida = Cocoon
- Michigan = Road to Wellville
- Minnesota = Fargo
- Missouri = either Road House or Meet Me in St. Louis
- Nebraska = About Schmidt
- New York = The Godfather
- North Dakota = Leprechaun
- Rhode Island = Me, Myself & Irene
- Texas = Dazed and Confused
- Virginia = Remember the Titans or Donnie Darko
- Wisconsin = Someday they’ll make a Happy Days movie
Thursday, July 02, 2009
10 Celebs You May Not Have Known Were Canadian (Happy Canada Day!)
Anna Paquin (I always thought she was a Kiwi)?? And Tommy Chong??? According to the article, man, Cheech and Chong first met in Canada, man.
Swedish is now the official language of Sweden
In the public referendum, Klingon finished second and, oddly enough, Admadinejad finished third."It is also now a crime for adults to seek sexual contact with minors on the internet. A conviction for 'grooming,' as it is known, may result in a prison sentence of up to one year."
Now I ask you to think about what it was like in Sweden yesterday: Swedish was not the official language, and pedophilia was legal. As Yakov Smirnoff would say, "wadda country!"
Drink Guinness, win a space flight
Russia bans all gambling and shuts casinos
"Russia closed down its casinos overnight as gambling was banned nationwide, a move the industry says could throw a third of a million people out of work."
10 Famous Cars That Make Women Horny
I'm thinking there may be more than a hint of irony in these selections.
"A Cuban - considered by many scouts to be the best left-handed pitching prospect in the world - has defected"
Don't count on this affecting a pennant race. He's just a prospect at this point and will probably head to the minors for instruction. His fast balls have been clocked at 102 mph, so he's obviously a GOOD prospect, but he has two major weaknesses: (1) his other pitches are mediocre; (2) he's an immature 21-year-old hothead.
Consumer Reports says Wendy's has the best fries
Video: A man decided to take his clothes off and fly naked from the Carolinas to Los Angeles. He was arrested. In Albuquerque
Playboy.com: 25 Playmates with sexy tanlines!
"OK! magazine reportedly paid $500,000 for the rights to use the death photo of Michael Jackson on the cover of their latest issue"
Because nothing attracts readers to glitzy magazines like the stench of death.
Swedish clinic sterilises wrong patient
Top Italian swimmer's horror as her bathing costume bursts open in a very unfortunate place at championship meet
(With pictures of the incident.)
Air New Zealand has produced an in-flight safety video showing a pilot and cabin crew wearing nothing but body paint."
And, of course, as in all things New Zealand, the naked body-painted corpse of Jeff Goldblum, who demonstrates what happens to passengers who do not buckle up.
Slow news day in the U.K.: Couple get 24 toasters as wedding gifts
Man with two penises removes one
Dubai judge rules Skeletor Spice obscene
And they say there's no justice in Moslem countries.
Epic Carnival: The Top 40 Real Men of Genius commercials
From the page:
"Lately I have been hearing the Bud Light commercials on the radio that feature the Real Men of Genius. I always thought thought that they were some of the funniest radio ads I had ever heard, so I thought I'd head to the Internet and see just how many there were and if there were any that I hadn't heard yet. Turns out there's like a million of these things. And they're all pretty much great... but here's the 40 I thought were the best."
Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Daughters!
RIP: Harve Presnell
What a voice - the kind to send shivers through you! Let us hope that he's not "so gol'durned lost, not even God can find him."(See musical clip below.)
RIP: "My Little Margie," aka Gale Storm.
Once again, I had no idea she was still alive.
Old Color Photos Of The Third Reich (and a few B&Ws)
When Tulip Fields Transform into Modern Art
Then and Now: Grown-Up Child Stars Of The Day
Many of these I have never seen before: Brandon Cruz, for example.
The latest to confirm the death: Jeff Goldblum
Retro Comedy: The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time
Major League Baseball adopts little league rules for all-star game.
Every player on every team will now be an all-star, and every one of them will get to play in the game.
Let's Screw Up the Entire Internet to Save Newspapers
"Let's also ban wheels, in order to save the horse industry."
Photos of Mischa Barton auditioning for the lead in the Lindsay Lohan Story
iowahawk: "The President's landmark 'Cap and Trade' bill faces mounting opposition from a myriad of interest groups angered by its controversial ritual virgin sacrifice provision."
"We are asking our members to send a strong message to Washington that this bill is wrong for America's energy future, and wrong for the virgin community," said Bret 'Aslan' Crawford, a spokesman for the Action Figure Collectors of America. "Power virgins, activate!"
Oscar-winning actor Karl Malden dead at 97
I had no idea he was still alive!
Denise Richards got back into tremendous shape, and got into a bikini to show it off.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Bulwer-Lytton Bad Fiction Contest - 2009 Results
"How best to pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the demonic Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape."
Michael Jackson Butter Statue Tribute Planned in Iowa
The Iowa state fair has a butter cow very year, but this year it's a butter cow and a butter Jacko. "Why?" you may ask. Because "Fair organizers say Michael Jackson gave two performances with the Jackson Five at the Iowa State Fair in 1971," and apparently they've never forgotten his sweet, buttery goodness.
The 7 Most Pathetic G.I. Joe Characters | Cracked.com
"It's like if Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite had the lives of actual soldiers resting under his whim."
15 Ill-Conceived Displays of Patriotism | Cracked.com Photoshop contest
Ten Movies Where the Bad Guys Win
MovieMistakes.com catalogues the bloopers in "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
Sony's Amy Pascal explains why she pulled the plug on Moneyball
I see her point. She was going to invest in what she believed to be a commercially viable, entertaining film with sort of a Bull Durham vibe. Soderbergh wanted to remove all the quirky intelligence and entertainment and replace it with literal truth and gritty authenticity. Pascal feared it would end up as Solaris with mitts, playing to empty stadiums ... er .. theaters.When gritty realistic movies are about certain subjects, they can make up in foreign markets when they lose in the USA, but baseball is not one of those subjects. It has no significant commercial appeal outside the USA. A successful baseball movie has to make its dollars in the States, and that means it has to be an entertainment picture.
Soderbergh's position shows that he has a lot of character ... and not one whit of business sense. I would have done the same thing in Pascal's shoes. If Soderbergh wants to make genuine, authentic non-commercial films, and God knows we need some of those from time to time, let him make them with his own money. (Or Mark Cuban's. Aren't they supposed to be tight?)
